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Dear Consumer, If you too have given up on the MODERN WORLD—the gangs, crime, diseases, mosquitoes, elderly people, unsafe drivers on cellular phones, drug-​​fiends, rapists, cholesterol, complicated banking problems, traffic, noise, ozone-​​depletion, and white-​​gravel driveways—please try this brand-​​new alternative: THE MALL OF THE FUTURE—climate-controlled, clean, friendly, and guaranteed to normalize any aberrant behavior through constant surveillance and healthy consumer-​​ism! Simply activate one of the buttons to join us in a better world.