I sat down anyway, even
though I didn't know her. I needed to sit down. I was trying to buy something,
but I needed courage.
I needed to sit and think and I didn't care who was next to me because
thinking was the most important thing right now. I needed to get my courage
up because it was dirty and pornographic and I needed to go in there now
and buy it.
It was waiting for me.
I shouldn't need it in the first place. That was one central
source of shame. Lately I had been seeing a young woman who would
close her eyes and let me do whatever I wanted to her. So why should I
need this?
The problem was I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do to her.
That's what the thing was for.
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