I sat down anyway, even though I didn't know her. I needed to sit down. I was trying to buy something, but I needed courage.

I needed to sit and think and I didn't care who was next to me because thinking was the most important thing right now. I needed to get my courage up because it was dirty and pornographic and I needed to go in there now and buy it.

It was waiting for me.

I shouldn't need it in the first place. That was one central source of shame. Lately I had been seeing a young woman who would close her eyes and let me do whatever I wanted to her. So why should I need this?

The problem was I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do to her.
That's what the thing was for.