One of the ideas behind redesigning my website was to give myself a space to talk about art in general, as well as process–my process of “making” “work,” especially as it relates to the current fad of personal productivity, lifehacking, &c.
(It’s hard, though, to transition into that level of discussion with you, my imaginary audience, after years of quietly hanging out in the background. Which is why I’m here now, introducing you to the meta-me that talks about this place where I talk to you.)
I’ve been listening to The Now Habit on my sister’s recommendation. It’s been around long enough that the main principles have filtered down into the standard productivity discourse at this point, but it’s interesting nonetheless for its discussion on some of the anxieties that impede work and tend to fuel procrastination. Many of which I know intimately and encounter daily (someday we’ll have a discussion of the “problematic afternoon” concept (EDIT: we did)). If you’re a fan of Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, as you should be, you might know some of these as Gumption Traps.
One of the things that has been really interesting, though, is how Fiore identifies the common problem of associating your self worth with the quality of your completed tasks, leading to the perfectionist’s spiral of not-doing-anything-because-if-it’s-not-good-I’m-not-good. And he tries to coach you out of that kind of thinking–you know: you’re great; you’re worthy ipso facto; if this project sucks it reflects on the project, not on you. Etc. I find this a really easy concept to understand as it pertains to $$ work, and really mystifyingly difficult to break through as it pertains to artwork. It’s sort of intrinsic in how we look at and discuss art, as a culture, to judge the artist along with the artwork. A Picasso painting is part painting and part Picasso–a reflection, supposedly, of his spirit in some ridiculous, mystical way. So while I agree intellectually, I’m finding it a really pernicious idea, hard to emotionally let go of, especially since I have come, over time, to value myself almost exclusively through the work that I produce (what else is there to care about?).
(Did Picasso think to himself, as he painted, “I’m a perfect me whether I screw this up or not”? Would the work have been worse if he had?)
Maybe I’m wondering if, when it’s not an impediment, that kind of thinking is a legitimate means of intense production. The intensity of having your whole self wrapped up in the work. It is easy to see, however, how that kind of thinking can keep you from producing all of the important failures of an early (and continuing) career. I think what you must end up doing is banking your self worth on the future works that will be enabled by current failures. The task I’ve been working on for a few years now is enjoying the process of courting failure, the idea of just getting it out and done, in whatever imperfect form. There are still projects, types of projects, that are so intrinsic to how I think of myself that I’m very resistant to just getting them out there, though.
How do you negotiate the relationship between your self and your work, especially with regard to cranking the widgets?
(And I see this, now–writing about this, on here, to you–as a definite step in the direction of courting failure. I will regret the anti-diegetic moment as soon as I’ve posted.)
