By Jamestown Pondwater, CNN
May 28, 2010 11:56am EDT

(CNN) – Events too terrible to describe with language continue to unfold this week below the Earth’s fragile crust, according to a spokesperson for the Ministry of Unexplainable Affairs.

A Ministry official who spoke to CNN on condition of anonymity Thursday reported that even more horrors can be expected over the coming weeks in the dark world below the world, where millions survive in untold agony.

“Picture the worst thing happening,” the official said. “Picture it happening in the soundless, absolute dark of the underworld, where no light ever reaches. Picture it happening over and over, forever, indescribably horrid and unjust. Our intelligence indicates that this only captures a small percentage of the actual gravity of the situation.”

However, there is some opposition to the Ministry’s viewpoint. An official for the outer colony, which every year spreads closer to the source of all sorrows, released a statement to the news media which reads, in part:

“The horrors of the underworld are indeed untold, and may not be fully comprehended by the minds of surface dwellers like us, but the Ministry’s campaign of fear-mongering will not deter us from our exploration of the outer rim of sorrows. There is no question that agonizing, unspeakable events are occuring, but claiming that the horrors cannot be described with language does a grave disservice to the storytelling men and women of our colonies who even now are peering into the dark haze near the outer rim, eager to suss out the barest whiff of a metaphor adequate to capture the horrible reverberations from below. Our colonists will not be intimidated by the Ministry’s assertion of the hopelessness of our task.”

Historically the springtime has led to an uptick in the levels of agony below the earth, though official Ministry policy states that this is like comparing degrees of infinity, a nonsensical distinction to the surface mind. One thing remains clear tonight: the torment below us continues, unabated and appalling.